This Is How We Date Now

The Five Stages of Grief

I was browsing the Internet, when I found this interesting note about grief. Also known as the Kübler-Ross model, this includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, not necessarily in the same order. These five stages are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order. I was interested more about the grief in break-up, so I googled for as much info as I could get. Well, whatever I read about this model made sense. So here it goes:

  1. Denial: The person getting broken up with is unable to admit that the relationship is really over. They may try to continue to call the person when that person wants to be left alone. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle. As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface.
  2. Anger: When the reality sets in that the relationship is over, it is common to demand to know why they are being broken up with. This phase can make them feel like they are being treated unfairly and it may cause them to become angry at people close to them who want to help aid the situation.
  3. Bargaining: After the anger stage, one will try to plead with their former partner by promising that whatever caused the breakup will never happen again. For example: “I can change. Please give me a chance”. We become lost in a maze of “If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life returned to what is was; we want our loved one restored. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt.
  4. Depression: Next the person might feel discouraged that their bargaining plea did not convince their former partner to change their mind. This will send the person into the depression stage and can cause a lack of sleep, eating and even other daily life tasks.
  5. Acceptance: Moving on from the situation and person is the last stage. The person accepts that the relationship is over and begins to move forward with their life. The person might not be completely over the situation but they are done going back and forth to the point where they can accept the reality of the situation. Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying our loved one. We can never replace what has been lost, but we can make new connections, new meaningful relationships, new inter-dependencies. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We may start to reach out to others and become involved in their lives. We invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves. We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time.

The true face of (private engineering) education in India

I was awake last night, it had been rough. Was thinking a lot about my life, how it is so much screwed, and what could be done. I am at IIT, the premiere engineering college of the nation. And I was all frustrated, pondering over  the things which went bad. I had no one to talk, it was three in the morning. I was remembering quite a few friends of mine, dialed their numbers, but no response. I was trying to reach a friend of mine, I had met few months ago in Techkriti. Having nothing to do, I thought to look up her college website, silly thing I know, but I was getting all bored, frustrated, and couldn’t sleep. I googled SRMSWCET (Shri Ram Murti Smarak Women’s College for Engineering and Technology, pretty long name, huh!), clicked on the first link that appeared. The site was http://srmswcet.ac.in, which redirected me to http://112.133.199.181/srmswcet/, a site hosted in the sub-directory of the “SRMS group of institutions” web folder. I know these things are too small, but still I notice them, don’t know why. The branch college didn’t have it’s own site, probably because it didn’t want to waste money on web space for several sites for their group, when they could manage by sub-directories. Cool enough, it is always good to save money. Well, I visited the site, looked not bad. The college had four departments of engineering, one of basic sciences, and one for post-graduation in business administration. The training and placement cell has a snippet on the homepage, but the no link to visit the placement homepage. Was browsing through pages, when something caught my eyes. I had clicked on the faculty profiles link. They had listed all their faculties, with their qualifications. And now you can guess what caught my eyes. Among the thirty “professors” in various engineering disciplines, none of them had the qualification above post graduation. Many of them were just graduates, from God-only-knows-where. Regarding the experience in the teaching field, most of them had 1-3 years experience. I then clicked on the careers link, where there was an advertisement posted regarding the recruitment of faculties, which said a minimum of first class bachelors, masters, and two year teaching experience was required for assistant professor. I wondered how come they already had plain bachelors with almost no experience in their list. I later checked out the college fee over there. It was almost hundred grand per year per undergraduate student. And this was just the college fee. The allowed intake totaled to 360 in the engineering disciplines. Calculating the total money the college receives, just from tuition fee, it summed to 360,00,000, around 3.5 crores per year. A little more maths showed that approx 1.5 crore goes to the faculty salaries. Now about the remaining two crores. The institute building had 32 classrooms. The complete campus plot is owned by the trust “chairman”, but supposing they were rented (which note that costs more than having your own land eventually), with a rent of approx two grand per month per room would account to about Rs 7.5 lacs per annum of rent. The campus is much more than the classrooms, so let us scale it up to say Rs 15 lacs. Add another  say 10 lacs on maintaining the infrastructure. Adds up to 25 lacs. Umm.. and let’s add another 25 for miscellaneous expenses, such as staffs, security, etc. We still have 1.5 crore left. If we scaled the expanses by a factor of two, even then there would have 1 crore remaining per year. And all this money going to the bank account of the “chairman”, who is the sole owner of this college. My motto is not to emphasize that private colleges such as this take a lot of money as fee, but to highlight the point that whatever you take, at least give the proper fraction back in terms of educating the students. Earning money is good, no doubt, but like this? Playing with the future of students. You are a private college, you got bucks in your account, why not spend some extra, and get quality teachers. The vision, as posted on the college website is, and I quote “To help build India as a World leader Technical Education”. i know very well this must be some text copied from a similar college’s website, just to use as a filler, but still. Is it like this you are going to build India as a world leader in technical education? Just caring the least about the quality of education, f***ing with the career of the students who once dreamed to achieve some good, and trusted you with their aspirations! Well, you might say, you are from IIT, what have you got to do with all these, your expenses are f***ing financed by the Government, you are getting everything in your life, blah blah. I ask them, does not qualifying a six hour exam denies you from the right to good education? In a country like India, where one out of every fifty or so students qualify, JEE is not a measure of brilliance, there are more brilliant people out there, who have potential to do a lot better if provided with a chance. A platform, a good one is what is required for them. Having made all these calculations, I had made the image of Dev Murti, the owner of the college as a rich and “successful” person. And as they say, you know you are successful when they start searching you on google instead of facebook. Well, I too did my part for Dev Murti. And google’s first suggestion was “dev murti arrested”. Opened the first article, on TOI, and it said, the chairman Dev Murti, and director Aditya Murti (I guess he is some relative to the former Murti) were arrested for some scam related to the medical college owned by the chairman. What more could be said, if such people are there in the education sector too! Feel pity for all the students out there. The people over here really are desperate for money, and the more they get, the more they want, like Midas!

It’s fourth year now!

“Oye doci, kya baat hai aaj kal shorts me class jaane laga?” “Arey dude, it’s f***ing last year now!” And several other chats with mere bhai log. Fourth year.. When we came here, and saw the bhokaali of the final yearites during our orientation (a program organized for the freshers to make them get to know about the institute in a better way), which actually turned out to be interaction session with out seniors, I don’t know about others, but I always want to go to fourth year, feel the hall 1 legacy, do all shorts of crazy things, blah blah. Unfortunately, we couldn’t go to hall 1 due to some chu****pa, but still, we are having as much fun here in hall 9. It’s far away from the academic area, and much more far away from my departmental building. It takes about twenty minutes walk to reach the class in the department, but nonetheless, it is worth it. Over the years, one thing I did realize during my stay in the IIT, grades are an explicit function of sincerity. You attend classes, make notes, you get good grades no matter how much you did study for the exams. And you bunk the lectures, no matter how hard you try, you are gonna get screwed up. Well, this is not the case for the toppers, but for me, I am an average student. And unfortunately, I have screwed all of my semesters but one. Well, I guess I diverted the topic over here, I was talking about the life in fourth year over IIT. Man, it’s just awesome. You have very less lectures to attend, about two to three per day on an average, unlike the third year, when all the time is spent in the academic area. There are projects, where you can apply all the creativity. Guys start getting serious about placements and future. You start getting mails about PPO and PPTs of the companies coming for placements in December. Things start seeming to have changed so much. And when you sit quietly, just for a minute, you think, “Gosh! it was only yesterday I came to this place…”

Hello World!

This is my first blog post over here. I have been blogging for past few years at http://home.iitk.ac.in/~navin/blog, but it had taken a big break last year. Also, the UI over there had not been so good, I had to publish the blog by using Thingamablog, a desktop blogging platform, as the IITK server only supports flat files, and no database. Then someone few days back asked my why I don’t write. I had no reply, I too started thinking why I didn’t. May be it was because I got lazy, or because I had so much to tell but didn’t knew where to start. I myself don’t know the reason. But here it goes again. I guess I will be posting here frequently, it is my fourth year, and I have a lot of time to waste. Setting this blog took me an entire day. Searching for a proper sub-domain on wp.com, and finding a suitable theme took a lot of time. And when I am now ready, I thought, let me start writing, be it anything. The blog posts are directly from my mind, my random mind, without any manipulations. Anyway, I guess this was enough for the first post over here. More to follow soon :)

Cheers!
Navin