The Five Stages of Grief

I was browsing the Internet, when I found this interesting note about grief. Also known as the Kübler-Ross model, this includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, not necessarily in the same order. These five stages are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order. I was interested more about the grief in break-up, so I googled for as much info as I could get. Well, whatever I read about this model made sense. So here it goes:

1. Denial: The person getting broken up with is unable to admit that the relationship is really over. They may try to continue to call the person when that person wants to be left alone. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle. As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface.
2. Anger: When the reality sets in that the relationship is over, it is common to demand to know why they are being broken up with. This phase can make them feel like they are being treated unfairly and it may cause them to become angry at people close to them who want to help aid the situation.
3. Bargaining: After the anger stage, one will try to plead with their former partner by promising that whatever caused the breakup will never happen again. For example: “I can change. Please give me a chance”. We become lost in a maze of “If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life returned to what is was; we want our loved one restored. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt.
4. Depression: Next the person might feel discouraged that their bargaining plea did not convince their former partner to change their mind. This will send the person into the depression stage and can cause a lack of sleep, eating and even other daily life tasks.
5. Acceptance: Moving on from the situation and person is the last stage. The person accepts that the relationship is over and begins to move forward with their life. The person might not be completely over the situation but they are done going back and forth to the point where they can accept the reality of the situation. Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying our loved one. We can never replace what has been lost, but we can make new connections, new meaningful relationships, new inter-dependencies. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We may start to reach out to others and become involved in their lives. We invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves. We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time.

2012

09/09

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